There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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