I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
