I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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