WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
