i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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