I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
