I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
