Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
