Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
