Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
