I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
