We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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