if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
