We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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