Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Pooping to opera.
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