he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize