It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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