I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
