If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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