so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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