So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i drank out of a bidet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
