I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
