I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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