Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize