Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
