five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize