He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
