i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
