Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize