his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
