I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
