If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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