if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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