oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize