The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize