My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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