I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
