I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i dont even know how to be here
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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