yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
