i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
