They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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