I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
