Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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