gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i think i just lost a toe
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
