can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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