I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
