i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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