my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
