I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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