nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
