I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The air was thick with penises
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
