Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
