I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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