The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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