You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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