I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
