Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize