dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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